♪ Thank you for being a friend
♪ Traveled down the road and back again
♪ Your heart is true
♪ You're a pal and a confidante
♪ And if you threw a party
♪ Invited everyone you knew
♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me
♪ And the card attached would say
♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪
(Rose) On the last episode of "The Golden Girls"...
I'm going out tonight. With Stan.
No. Yes, Ma. I really am.
I believe you. I said no.
Well, what's the matter, honey? Did you have a bad time with Ray?
It wasn't Ray. His ex-wife, Myra,
ran into the Chowderhead's, where we eating, and started yelling at me.
I tried to convince her that he's just a friend, but she wouldn't listen.
For some reason, she won't accept the divorce. I really feel threatened.
Ma...
Ma, Stan gave me an engagement ring.
I see. Excuse me.
You marry this man, and we're no longer family.
You do this, you are out of my life forever.
Dorothy, I don't know if you recognize him without his leather apron,
but this is Erroll. He's our shoe repair guy.
I told him you're dying to go out with him.
I'm sorry you made the trip for nothing.
My mother refuses to accept the fact that I am getting married in three days.
So, uh, what are you doin' tonight?
Goodbye, Erroll.
Ma! Dorothy, he's perfect for you.
He knows your shoe size and he doesn't care.
It's late. Why didn't somebody wake me?
Because the last time I walked into your bedroom unannounced,
some guy missed the trampoline and almost killed me.
That's the kind of thing I don't want you to say this afternoon
when we're interviewing new roommates.
Oh, God, it'd be so much easier if she didn't have to meet you people.
Well, I hope you find somebody soon.
Actually, you'll need two new tenants.
I'm not living with you and Stan. Yes, you are, Ma.
I want you with us, and besides, you can't afford to live alone.
Blanche will let me keep my room, and I have an interview at McDonald's.
If I can see over the counter, I'm their new fry girl.
Rose, what happened?
My brakes went out, and the car wouldn't stop.
My whole life flashed before my eyes
and the Nuderflaken twins played a bigger part than I had realized.
That must've been awful. Oh, it was.
I don't know any Nuderflaken twins.
The mind is a powerful thing.
Think of the 99% you don't use.
I stopped at a gas station and they were nice enough to give me a ride.
Oh, by the way, Chuck says, "Yo."
Chuck from Arco or Chuck from Shell?
Shell.
Big Chuck from Shell or Little Chuck from Shell?
Blanche, I think you're spending too much time at the full-service island.
Oh, boy, I think Myra tampered with my brakes.
Ever since I went to dinner with her ex-husband, she's been out to get me.
(phone ringing)
What if that's Myra? I...
Hello? Hello?
I can hear you breathing, you devil. Now, why are you doing this?
Here, here, here. Just calm down. Let me handle this.
Hello, this is Blanche Dever...
Oh, Chuck. Yo!
Oh, Dorothy, push the doorbell.
The door's open. I know, but push it anyway.
(doorbell rings, dogs barking)
This is really amazing, Rose. The other day I was thinking:
"Why doesn't our doorbell bark?"
It's probably because we didn't have a "Bark Bell."
I got it to keep Myra away.
You really think this is gonna work?
Oh, yeah, look at the box.
See how the burglar's running away from the house?
And he's saying "Yikes!"
Oh, here, honey. This is for you. I'm afraid to open it.
What if it's from Myra? Oh, come on, Rose.
What if it's got a deadly black spider in it that's gonna leap out
and bite me the minute I open it?
There you are.
You're wise. You're just wise.
Good, you're both here. Listen, I interviewed a very sweet lady on the phone
and she'll be here soon. So when she gets here, please pretend to be nice.
Well, this is good news. You've already turned down about 12 people.
They're either too thin or too pretty or too young.
It's like you only want to live with a woman who has no sex appeal whatsoever.
You think we're dogs, don't you?
(doorbell rings, dogs barking)
Now that's too eerie.
The dogs are on my tail again! Run through the river!
Ma, Ma, we've just put in a new bell. It's to scare people.
It'll never work.
Hello, are you Truby?
Yes. Blanche? Yes. Come on in.
Oh, thanks. Thanks. Meet everybody. Rose.
Oh, hello, Rose. I'm Dorothy.
That's Sophia. Sophia.
Won't you sit down? Oh, yes, thanks.
Well, who's the lucky bride?
You must be referring to the once and future Mrs. Yutz.
My husband passed just last summer.
Oh...
Passed what?
A slow-moving Winnebago, Rose.
I hate when I get stuck behind one of those.
He's dead, sweetie.
But, hey, I'm used to it. I put three in the ground.
Well, what can I tell you? I like 'em old, rich and barely breathing.
Why don't I show you the rest of the house?
Do you mind if I ask how old you are?
Oh, 'bout as old as you are.
To lose a husband that young.
OK, places!
♪ Dah-dah-dah! Duh, duh, duh-dum
♪ Dum, dum duh-dum
Remember, teeny steps. We're not Godzilla attacking the city.
OK. Dearly beloved,
we're gathered here today to join Dorothy and Stanley in blah, blah, blah,
followed by rings, and into the vows.
"Dorothy, I vow to you that my love is pure."
"I do vow, too."
"I vow that my love is strong."
"I do vow, too."
"I vow that I will love no other."
"I do..." My God, Stanley, I feel like one of the Shirelles.
"And most of all, I vow that my marriage to my beloved Dorothy will la..."
Stop!
As God as my witness and in front of this entire congregation,
I call an end to this wedding here and now.
Sophia, this is only the rehearsal.
It is?
Pretend you didn't hear that. I'll see you tomorrow.
(doorbell rings, dogs barking)
We're on the lanai!
Rose, you've got to disconnect those stupid dogs.
But it's working. And besides, I've already named 'em.
Thanks for letting me move in early.
Ah, great day for a wedding.
Say, who tied those dead fish to the back of the car?
It's a St. Olaf tradition.
You drive until you can't stand the smell
and then that's where you live.
Crazy or stupid? We think it's a mix.
Hey, what's this? I thought I canceled the flowers.
I mean, it looks nice.
Sophia, you've got to stop this. You're hurting Dorothy.
Don't you love her? Of course I love her.
Why are you doing this?
I'm saving her from making the biggest mistake of her life.
You don't know that.
Sophia, I know you're only trying to protect her.
But let me tell you about a lesson I learned
when I was a little girl in St. Olaf:
If you hold a bird gently, the bird will stay.
But if you squeeze the bird, his eyes will bug out...
and Mr. Pet Shop Owner gets very huffy
and he won't let you touch the birds anymore.
And the mice? He won't even let... Rose!
What is eight times six?
OK, now that we have a few minutes...
I think Rose made two very good points.
One: Not all psychotics are dangerous.
And two: Honey, you have to let go.
Dorothy's capable of making her own decisions.
Does any of this make any sense to you, Sophia?
Not completely.
I still think Rose has the capacity to kill.
Oh, Rose. Sorry, honey. Pencils down.
I could've used a pencil?
Oh, you just look so beautiful.
You know, this reminds me of the day I married George.
Oh, it was an exquisite wedding.
500 people in that big, old church
and I didn't have any underwear on.
Why?
I just felt it was the right thing to do.
My wedding was outdoors.
February 12th. I'll never forget it.
I wore the most beautiful white flannel wedding gown.
It even had feet sewn in.
When Stan and I were married,
Stan was crying, I was crying, Ma was crying.
All for different reasons, but if you didn't know us, it looked touching.
Oh, Stan and I are getting married again.
I mean, I've done this before. Why am I so nervous?
I always get nervous at weddings.
Weddings and funerals.
I've been to so many of both I get mixed-up.
Same guest list, same flowers,
handful of rice, handful of dirt.
The only difference is, after the funeral it's OK to date.
I'm beginning to like her.
Me too.
You're gonna have a lot of fun together.
Oh, Dorothy, nobody can replace you.
Oh, Dorothy, I can't believe it.
You're gonna walk down that aisle,
and you won't be home tonight.
Oh, I'm gonna miss you so much.
You know, the only thing that makes me sad is leaving you and Ma.
Come on. Come on, now. We got to get you ready.
Do you have somethin' blue? Do veins count?
Here. I want you to have this hanky from St. Olaf.
It's got a little blue embroidery on it.
"Sneeze here."
And you need somethin' new.
I have this other handkerchief from St. Olaf.
This one's never been used.
Thanks again, Rose. And somethin' borrowed.
Dorothy, I want you to have my best bracelet.
Oh, Blanche, that's very sweet.
It's just borrowin' it, you know. I'll need it back. OK.
You can slip it to me right after the ceremony. All right.
It's an antique. Give it to me.
Dorothy, you're tremblin'. Are you that scared?
Yes. Yes, I'm just as queasy as I was at my first wedding.
Except that I'm pretty positive this time it's not morning sickness.
Look, I'm probably just upset because Ma isn't going to be there.
I just wish she could see Stan the way I see him now.
If she didn't love you, she wouldn't be fighting so hard.
I know.
All right, let's see, you got somethin' borrowed,
somethin' blue, somethin' new. You need somethin' old.
Old enough?
Oh, Ma. Oh, Ma!
My little girl is getting married.
Oh, Ma, I just wish you weren't against this.
Look how pretty you look. Really?
Yeah. Beautiful. You remember the last time?
We were up all night letting out that dress.
Oh, Ma, you know, Stan has changed.
I trust him now, for the very first time.
Ma, I need your blessing.
It's always hard to let your children make their own decisions,
but even though I worry about you,
you always do the right thing.
You have my blessing.
Oh, Ma, thank you.
You know, Pussycat,
we never had that mother/daughter talk about sex.
Ma, I've had sex more years than I care to think about.
I know. I think you're doing it wrong.
(doorbell rings, dogs barking)
Sounds like the guests are arriving.
Sophia!
You've got a second chance. But if you hurt my daughter again,
I'll make you miserable for the rest of my life.
And if I lay off meat and dairy,
that could be as much as five years.
(doorbell rings, dogs barking)
I cannot take this another minute.
(barking stops) Oh...
Oh, my God, it's Myra!
This is who you've been scared of?
So, you're Myra.
Watch out, she's dangerous.
Oh, I'm shaking.
You get that too?
What do you want, Myra?
I just came here to tell you I'm not gonna bother you anymore. You can have Ray.
But you should know you're not the only young blonde bimbo in his life.
I don't want your husband. I never did.
I understand that now.
I think I was just afraid of starting all over at my age.
My daughter's checking me in
to a lovely retirement home called Shady Pines.
That's great. Come out to the lanai,
I'll give you the lowdown on Shady Pines.
You know, who does what for cigarettes.
Here comes the beautiful bride.
Wow, look at you. You look perfect.
Thank you. Stanley, I'm a little scared.
I'm not. I just feel this is so right.
Stanley, I think we're gonna make it this time.
Dorothy, I want you to meet my best man, Marvin Mitchelson.
Oh, ho-ho. Hello.
Oh, how lovely to meet you. What an honor.
The honor is mine, Dorothy. He's a lawyer.
I know who he is. Oh, Stanley, I'm impressed.
Oh, well, since I made all this money, you wouldn't believe all the friends I have.
How about this guy?
Dorothy, you're every bit as lovely as Stan said you were.
Oh, why, thank you.
Stan.
Yeah, right. Listen, Marv and I were talking
and you know how persuasive he can be.
He said that I should... and I thought...
well, he's the lawyer, and that's what I'm paying him for.
So why don't you?
Why don't I what?
Just sign. It's nothing big.
It's a little pre-nuptial agreement that says -
what's yours is yours and what's mine is mine.
You want me to sign a pre-nuptial agreement?
Stanley, whatever happened to openness and honesty and trust?
Not to mention the 38 years that I spent as your wife,
your partner, the mother of your children.
The woman who held down two jobs while you were at home, staring at a matchbook,
trying to draw "Winky."
I told you she wouldn't go for it.
I don't want your money, Stan. Marvin, give me the agreement.
(slap) (Stan) Ouch!
Weddings. Why do I always get hit at these things?
Get out, Stanley. Get out before I need a lawyer.
I think you've got a case.
What about our guests? What about our honeymoon in Aruba?
I'd be too confused. Would I be using your money or my money?
Well, we could check with Marvin. I don't think so.
I love you. Are you sure you know what you're doing?
Yes.
Yes, I think I'm doing the right thing. Please leave.
I have an announcement to make.
I've decided not to make the same mistake twice. I'm sorry.
She turned him down. Remember that.
If it's any consolation, Dorothy,
I think what there was of your wedding was very beautiful.
And the album won't be as bad as you think.
The photographer got some great shots of your friends leaving with their gifts.
Oh, by the way, I want to thank you for not saying, "I told you so."
When you're as right as I am, you don't have to say it.
Well, I finished unpacking.
It's hard to get a life full of fun into a substitute teacher's closet.
Truby, honey, we have to talk. I know you signed a lease,
but, well, considering Dorothy's tragic misfortune.
I know, I know, but could I just stay a couple of days?
I can't stand another minute in a hotel.
I know what you mean. If I have to come up with one more fake name. Mm.
Dorothy, I guess we're sleeping together tonight.
Ma, I have a better idea.
In my suitcase there are two tickets to Aruba.
I think Stan owes us a little vacation, don't you?
Aruba! I love Aruba.
Where's Aruba?
Come on, Ma. Get goin'. We have a plane to catch.
I've got the very things for you to take with ya. Here, let me get that.
Ugh! God, this has always been my worst nightmare.
A wedding falling apart at the last minute?
No, going on a honeymoon with my mother.